the happiest dress I'll never wear.

Today is five months since my husband drove me home from the hospital after we lost our baby. I woke up this morning in a slight funk, just remembering the day. I sat with my hand on our memory box, still empty except for papa's letter to the baby and my hospital wristband. I wish I had more in the box to remember the baby by. I have nothing. I never got an ultrasound picture, I had no clothes yet, or little booties or socks or hair clips. I had nothing. The most tangible thing I have is the tiny blue topaz stone I wear around my neck -- the December birth stone. I play with it a lot, I keep it clean, I hold it between my fingers because I have nothing else to touch that symbolizes my baby.

Yesterday we drove on the stretch of road from the hospital back towards where we used to live. It was just a trip to the shopping area in town. I've driven it before, but for some reason, yesterday it brought tears to my eyes. It brought back fresh memories of the day we left the doctor's office, and heard his voice ringing in my ears that this pregnancy probably wouldn't end the way we'd hoped. The look on his face when he stared at the ultrasound machine just a little too long, silently, continuing to move the ultrasound wand back and forth, searching for a heartbeat.

I wore a gray and yellow dress. It was brand new. It was the happiest dress I could find in my closet that day. My mascara was smeared down my face, and suddenly that was the saddest dress I've ever owned.  I tried to wear it once again, to church, not long after we lost the baby. I had to leave church in the middle of the service because of the sobs that could not be stopped. I haven't touched the dress since.

This last Friday was Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day. To most people it's just another day on the calendar, and they probably have little idea what the significance of that day is to certain mothers and fathers.

How have you memorialized your baby? I think it's a significant step of the healing process, to find some way to keep that baby's memory alive. A little memento, a photograph or a flower or tree. Something that is important in your house to remember the short yet highly significant life of your unborn child. The holidays are coming up, and it's a bitter sweet time for me. Our baby was due just before Christmas, so my challenge is to celebrate Christmas and still remember my baby. I plan on buying a special ornament, probably an angel or something, to put front and center on our tree this year. Something simple, but important.