Today is September 19. Yesterday was 4 months since the loss of our baby. I realized that this morning when I woke up. I guess I didn't really think about it yesterday because I slept all day and worked last night, so my mind was tied up.
Usually every month on the 18th I feel the pain fresh all over again. Maybe this means I'm finally healing? It wasn't the first thing on my mind. Four months. In many ways, it seems like it has been the longest four months of my life. It feels like it's been years since we lost the baby. And in a lot of ways, it feels like it was just yesterday. My life has changed so much in the last four months, sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am.
I've thought for a while about blogging. Just to put something out there, in a way to remember my baby and have it in print that it was real. I've always put it off though. I guess for a few reasons. I don't love reliving every aspect of the miscarriage. I don't love reiterating the continuous pain and heartbreak of no longer being six months pregnant and experiencing the changes of expecting. But maybe putting my thoughts down will help.
I can't promise that this will be politically correct, or that it won't be offensive sometimes. I promise to be honest, and to put my heart and feelings down, exactly how I feel, whether its anger, pain or happiness. And maybe in the process it will help me, and perhaps there is just one person out there that will gain hope from reading what I have to say.
Who knows.
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